I doubt discombobulation is even a word, but ya know what who cares, it looks cool. I can’t even begin to tell you how much of a struggle it’s been to find inspiration, time, or even desire to blog or do much of anything really. My days have been spent gettin to boys back to school, hangin with my neighbor Lil C, and just being all over the place. I don’t know what’s come over me, but something awhile ago just “clicked” It’s hard to explain really.
I haven’t done anything exciting, extreme, or anything blog worthy. I just know that tonight as I struggled to fall asleep, and failed; that I knew I needed to get up and blog. I’ve been sufferin from insomnia, which is most likely due to my sleepin in and nappin during the day. So my nights have been pretty sucky. Something just doesn’t feel right about life right now. It just seems so out of tune with what I’ve felt I’ve always known. It’s not anything I don’t want, it’s just.. I dunno.
I almost feel like I’ve slipped out of the wife and mom role, and I’m here floating around what seems like a unconsciously selfish orb, not in touch with anyone around me, let alone myself. My relationship with Gman has changed dramatically. It’s not bad, it’s just different. I feel though I’m better with my kids now then I have ever been. They are my soft spot, and they are just growing into some fine young men. They make me melt.
I’ve always had a knack for expressing myself with no words, yet to put myself here in my chair and attempting to put my feelings out there; is harder then finding a needle in a haystack. I feel like a stone who can’t speak of anything, because it isn’t there. If it is there, it’s in hiding, and it’s scared. I feel bad I can’t be here online with my girls Cyn and Queenie, I feel bad that I feel I can’t be the loving person I once was with Gman, I feel bad that I can’t get control of myself and get myself back into life’s routine. I am cravin the structure and discipline, but at the same time I am loving all the freedom I feel I have now. I don’t hold back anymore, when I need to say something I usually do. I can’t say that I spare feelings as much as I once did. Nothing really has changed in life, minus gettin to know people around me. Everything else is the same. I’m still smokin up a storm, still donating my plasma to support that and get extra gas in the car, and just little stuff here and there has changed. I’m more lenient with the kids, and have less stress because of it. I’m in a metamorphosis of some kind, I can’t tell yet if it’s the old me before being a mom and kids, or if it’s a new better version of me. It’s hard to say.
I just want to feel safe and secure. I want all the negatives that have kept spinning circles around my family and I to go away. I want to be able to think clearly and feel deeper. It’s nothing that will get me anywhere though. Gman started college today, we are nervous about it, and will pay even more of a financial burden should he not find a job after this all, and I am not prepared for that. Tonka will hopefully be starting preschool this year, and when he does I’m going back for my GED. I also have a babysittin job that pays 15 a day, which is ok with me seeing how I luv the bug to pieces. So all those are positives, I just wish the rest was.
Anyways, I guess now that I done spent the last 30 minutes bloggin all ova the place, that I ought to try to sleep. I need to go donate again in 4 hours. Fun stuff I tell ya. Not.
<3
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